On feelings, on love.....that syncing feeling.

Looking back at life, I have had two convictions, which were more or less, with me. First, I have always felt I don’t deserve love. Second, I do not want love.

Somewhere, I had confused love and obsession, as one and same feeling, varying only in degrees.

Once, I decided to work hard on the relationship. Other times, I allowed situations to rule the roost. All the times, I was misunderstood. Always doubted.

Is it fear paralyzing my soul. Maybe yes. The first thing that comes to my mind is am I the best for her. Someone else may love her more than me. Can’t convince myself about this. I feel I love her the most and this is the most I can love. I mean its perhaps my limitation, that I cannot love her more. Someone may take care of her better. Everytime I have hurt her, the only prayer has been: God, if u really exist, Kill me, immediately, with a bullet right between my eyes. No right, left. Dead center.

Is it better to be a true friend and see her smiling from a distance. She makes her appearance for sometime and naughtily asks will u be able to see me in someone else’s arms. Last week’s Business Standard is in the corner and its angry. Didn’t read a page this week. A quick analysis. Investment zero. The other man does all the work. Profit, I am happy when I see her from a distance. Now that I will be far, I will be seeing her from distance, I will be having selective perceptions, based on sampled evidences, which will be different from true ones. Overall, its profitable. She asks again, how would u feel when I am touched by someone else? Yes, blood will be lava, I would burn within. 2-3 days of crying, 2-3 months of sulking and in desperate terms,2-3 years of getting-used-to, It wouldn’t matter. And I can always chase my records myself, with time I grow better, though slow, orkut has suggested that gradually improving people should be encouraged. But true friendship would help me a lot to fulfill my other roles a lot better. Before doing the Houdini act for the last time, u ask again, what is he is violent, so metimes? I have no answer. How will I stop myself then?

I ask myself: Can I bear a misunderstanding again? Last time, I cried and cried. My tears meant nothing to u. I was a boy then. Now I cry within. I die within. All I know is I am a lover and an insecure one. I remember my friend, the fastest Indian Dev and his tagline of years: Every ordinary love story has an extraordinary lovestory. Jo aapki marzi, Rab di marzi.

Satya Shiladitya Kar

I couldn’t sleep, these haunted me. There’s no answer, just questions. I obviously don’t want to write a love letter, though I end up writing one.If anyone likes it, plzzz give a call or send a message on 9937763577. I just want to feel I am not alone. Also feel some people like me.